Excerpt from Uncle Rhythm's Cosmic Riff and Gig Guide
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The Horns: musical bleacher bums. While the crowd watches the (predictable) antics of the Lead Singer and Lead Guitarist, the horn section is quietly rioting just outside the spotlight; tying each other's shoe laces together or lighting somebody's tie on fire during his solo. Divided into two distinct groups: 1.) Young, studious, great chops, drinks tea and reads the Bible on breaks. 2.) Been around, carries a flask and deck of dirty cards; has sloppy chops, but can bring tears with a four-bar solo. Speech consists of short word-jazz riffs like "solid, man..." or "don't jam my groove, dad".
These two types are always trying to convert each other, and sometimes they succeed: when you look over and see the trombone player on his knees, with his arms out, eyes rolled back, shaking like Saint Vitus doing the Limbo, you know he's either just found Jesus or had his first drink of whiskey.
All horn players gig with several different combos, and are either:
- going to school or
- driving a cab. You're never sure exactly who will show up at a gig, as they're fond of sending one of their buddies you've never seen before, to sub for them. This guy has never heard of these songs, and wants charts (charts!). Sooner or later you'll bail a horn player out of jail. He'll show his gratitude by opening a spit valve over your drink when you're not looking.